A recent bereavement put me on blogging hiatus. I’ve been grieving the loss of my dad. Diagnosed with cancer before Christmas we lost him on the first of March. Exactly a year since my spinal surgery, I’m still reeling from the roller-coaster of 2016/17. Tongue tied, I’ve felt like I couldn’t carry on and blog as normal until I acknowledged my loss. So here’s a snap shot of ‘life lately’ missing the most quietly influential man in my life:
Looking: at Art books and old photographs of my dad
Waiting: for my provisional licence to come in the post
Deciding: to make learning to drive a tribute to him (my only parent who could drive).
Wishing: He didn’t have to go in sickness and with pain.
Grateful: for precious time alone with him with no regrets for things unsaid.
Loving: reading to him in hospital, like I read to him when I was a kid.
Admiring: how he fought the pain to stay lucid and be present with us til the end.
Needing: quiet time to myself and to cry every now and again.
Smelling: his dressing gown that my mum let me keep
Noticing: all the good stuff in me that’s there because of him
Hoping: this will ease with time, eventually
Knowing: he’s more a part of me now than ever.
Reading: A Monster Calls by Patrick Ness, and Stephen King’s On Writing.
Feeling: sad, angry, at peace and grateful, but not all in that order
Helping: my mum out whatever way I can
Considering: writing more later, because it’s still too soon.
So I’m sorry if we are mates and you’re only finding out about this now. It’s so sad, but I try to keep my grief discreet. I may not have talked about Ol’ Bob much, or maybe I did. But don’t doubt he was a huge part of my life, and the reason for my being an artist (and my complex relationship with art). In these last few years I understood that we were more alike than I’d imagined. And it comforts me now to realise I knew him better than I thought.
#Art #Love #Life #Death #Loss